Celibacy Is Looking Better And Better

I need to share.

The following is a sampling of the emails I have received while on match.com, in all their insane, ungrammatical, inappropriately punctuated, misspelled, unedited glory. The italicized comments in parentheses are mine.

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41-year-old man

Minneapolis, MN, US

what if I agree to move??? ;-)
dont be chicken! ;-)

(I have nothing to say to this. I mean really. WTF.)

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43-year-old man

New York, NY US

I make money to support woman. I will marry you if that is good to.

(He had the right idea of looking online. He's just on the wrong website.)

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41-year-old man
Hoboken, NJ, US

I read your profile, saw your picture and immediately fell into this DEEP trance where my hands began automatically typing this message to you......it was a serious out of body experience...

so now its up to you...write me back and jolt me out of this trance or you'll have to live with the knowledge that there's some poor guy somewhere out in cyberspace stuck in front of his laptop in a deep trance...and its all YOUR fault :)

(I do NOT want to know what this guy's hands are doing.)

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39-year-old man
Chicago, IL, US

short hair suits you well, are you wearing it short these days?
do you ever find yourself in chicago?
i have a tatoo, love to skinny dip and specialize in sarcasm.
with someone as pretty as you a public display of affection would be my pleasure.

(I've left out the picture, but you can use your imagination. This is not someone you would want to see naked. As for PDAs? *shudder*)

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28-year-old man

Long Beach, NY, US

hey cuty. Im an amater boxer. We have lots in common.

(Almost wrote back to him. Hey, he was cute in that youthful firm fresh kind of way.)

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39-year-old man
Milwaukee, WI, US

hi, Goddess.im a business man,currently in NY.You have a lovely profile here and i would love to get to know you..thats of course if you dont mind.i will be in NY for 3 weeks and definitely i hope at the end of my visit i will take a Goddess home with me..smiles..hope to hear back from you soon

(Another guy who is on the wrong website.)

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34-year-old man
New York, NY, US

Caro Ciao

Firstly, I like your photo! You've a warm, open smile- that I think renders many defenseless... ( creates desire in men! And fills your mail box ;^)

(OK. Now this guy (according to his profile pictures at least) is gorgeous in that thighs-like-tree-trunks, biceps-the-size-of-my-head, swimmers' shoulders, 6'3", dark-haired, green-eyed, Italian, who-cares-if-he-can't-really-write-or-speak-intelligibly kind of way. Will reply to him ASAP.)