Saturday, June 14, 2008

Damn, I'm Good

I am mad at the Universe.

Per MrsCooper's advice regarding The Secret, I have told the Universe, simply, clearly, with small words so as to leave no room for misinterpretation, that I want Viggo Mortensen to call me.

Instead, I woke this morning to these emails from Sociopathic Alcoholic Stalker Guy.



First of all, you asked me not to do exactly what I’m about to do so I apologize. This message is certainly not meant to be an affront.

The truth of it is, I still can’t stop thinking about you. I think that means I’m in love with you.

When you’re in love with someone, I think you have to go to great lengths to try to be with that person. I’m here to do that, starting now.

I love you. Those words might sound crazy to you, but I know them to be absolutely true. I love you.

I have no right to ask anything of you so I won’t. But if you are willing to give me the fresh start for which I’ve asked so many times, something great might happen. It really might.

I love you. It feels so good to write that, it feels so RIGHT. I don’t know why I’ve denied it for so long.

I love you.


I will never intentionally hurt you again.

I can make that promise because the strength of this epiphany is like nothing I’ve ever felt.


On the topic of another issue between us, my alcoholism, I have been sticking to beer and wine. It works really well, i.e., I don’t misbehave.

But if you want me not to drink at all, I’ll do that for you. Happily.

I’ll do anything for you.


On the topic of jealousy. I recognize now that it was really just insecurity.

My goal is to make you love me so much that no one else seems even vaguely interesting.

I know I can do that.

But in the interim and forever after, you’re not going to hear anything from me about where you go, who you see, or who you talk to.

It demeans us both.


My reactions?

In order:

1. WTF?!?
2. Wow. I must be AMAZING in the sack.
3. He'll do anything for me? *eyes gleam with sudden gleeful malice*
4. Er, hello? Who/whom distinction?
5. Does this mean he will no longer call me a whore when I have dinner with my girlfriends? Or accuse me of lying when I say that I'm having lunch with my parents? Or call me a slut because I have a business meeting with a man? Oh YAY! Must have him back in my life!

I don't want to be cruel, he's a only a pathetic, delusional animal. But he's a pathetic delusional animal who thinks that he has the right to contact me. And while I will not reply to his nonsense (any reply at all, no matter how negative, will only be construed as an open door), I will indulge myself and post his dribble on my blog for general mockery.

Lines were crossed. Lines which should never have been crossed. And I'm not talking about the myriad of ways people can hurt and betray even those they love. I'm talking about simple human decency.

Decency isn't something you choose to "gift" to others when you are in a good mood, or when you happen to feel affection for your audience. It should be tightly braided into the person you are, regardless of your mood, regardless of whether you are angry or pleased with others. It's non-negotiable.

He doesn't know that.

For him, there are no lines to cross. He has no code, other than satisfying his desires. And everything and anything, no matter how appalling, is justified because it's what he wanted at the time.

It took me a long time to realize that about him.

But I know it now.

He insults me with his every email. I know, I know, I can hear it already from the peanut gallery: "How can you blame him for trying? Male optimism is undying!"

But sometimes, when you've treated someone so shamefully, you lose the right to try to insert yourself back into his/her life. No matter how much you might think you want to. You need to accept that actions have consequences, move on, and let him/her do the same.

Now I am thinking of writing a book: How To Be So Good In Bed That Your Sociopathic Alcoholic Loser Ex-Boyfriend Will Never Stop Stalking You.


Bartleby said...

Decency isn't something you choose to "gift" to others... It should be tightly braided into the person you are... Nice; I think he's also your muse.

C-Belle said...

UGH. Don't say that! That he might be anything other than a completely irritating stalker is a horrible thought!

Bartleby said...

The I love you bit, I like saying, it feels RIGHT was all pretty thoroughly disqualifying IMO.

MrsCooper said...

I understand your frustration but remember the following:
- be patient with your order/wish/whatever you called it
- The Universe is not like branded ovens that you can pre-set the baking time and then it pops out with a ring alarm. Concept of time is complex but with the right approach you might be able to have your cake and eat it too.
- Energies flow through time. Resistance creates blockages and delays. Thinking and talking too often about it are elements of resistance.
- be detach to the outcome

My few cents worth.

C-Belle said...

hmmm... branded ovens are fairly mysterious to me too.

MrsCooper, you should write a book on Zen and Baking!

Zen and The Art of Baking
Baking Zen
Let Zen Eat Cake

MrsCooper said...

I like "Zen and The Art of Baking".
Thanks but I think I would have more success baking cupcakes especially my cream cheese cupcakes. Yummy!