Waking Up

There's been something hovering on the periphery of my thoughts, sometimes forcing its way front and center before I shove it back. But the periphery seems to be getting closer and closer to the center lately.

It's not a crazy thought. In fact, probably as normal as you get.

So I don't know what my problem is. Actually, that's a lie. I do.

But it leads me to the point of this post...

Once upon a time, I was fearless. An ex of mine once told me that he wished I were MORE fearful, because then I would be more careful.

But that always seemed so boring, and so counter to my world-view.

But now, the only part of my life where I feel comfortable taking risks is professionally. I suppose that "risk" is somehow mitigated by my confidence that work is one thing I know I can do very well.

And I am, more or less, comfortable in this. Perhaps too much so. I understand my schedule, my priorities are well defined, I exert extraordinary control over the variables in my life. And it's not surprising that I would appreciate order, especially in light of the distinct lack of it a couple years ago.

But now I'm getting increasingly restless. And there's that pestering thought that keeps hovering and becoming increasingly bold.

My instinct is to swat it away.

But the fact that I haven't succeeded in doing so... perhaps the person I used to be is actually still inside me, just biding her time.