Pairings

Dialing, texting, emailing, blogging... there are many activities that can (but certainly not SHOULD) be paired with drinking.

But what about drinking and kissing?

In my now epic trashy novel (which I've been writing off and on for the last 7 years and which will NEVER see the light of day) I have documented dozens of Best First Kiss stories from anyone and everyone willing to share theirs. Not someone's FIRST kiss, but a BEST first kiss with a particular person. The stories range from comical to tragic, but there are two major thematic elements that emerge: alcohol and stairwells. Makes sense, yes? A lowering of inhibitions coupled with a sense of urgency to plant one on someone before he/she leaves.

SL in Beijing is very affectionate when she's had one or two or twelve too many. But on those occasions, she has her friends looking out for her, and while we don't necessarily prevent her from showering affection on the random guy sitting at the other end of the bar, we make sure that nothing TOO untoward happens. She just always looks so HAPPY when she hits that groove.

Of course, one doesn't always have the entourage along as a safety net. And often that pairing of drinking and kissing can be yucky, or just plain silly, or forgettable, or embarrassing, or worse.

And then sometimes, it can be lovely.

"With Bacchus and Venus we'll ever combine,
For drinking and kissing are pleasures divine."

-old English ballad

Where Will It Tickle You?

Dating has changed in the internet age.

Despite the world steadily getting smaller, we seem to be ever increasingly isolated from each other. We no longer find each other in the classroom, or the office cubicle down the hall, or in the frozen foods aisle.

With the shrinking of real-life communities, the internet, with its inherent ability to create virtual communities, seems to provide a very natural vehicle through which to meet people.

The steps to online dating are straightforward:

1. Browse through the listings
2. If the pictures are attractive enough, read the profile
3. Exchange witty email banter for one or two rounds
4. Meet
5. And here things get a little fuzzy based on personal preference. But there is SOME consensus - if the reaction to this first meeting is extreme, you have acquired either a significant other (for a while at least) or another hilarious story to share with your friends during the de-briefing.

Also possible to acquire a stalker, but that's another post.

Otherwise, if the first meeting falls into that murky middle ground, proceed steadily (barring anything unusual) to no more than three dates to figure out if you ever want to be naked with this person. If after the third date you still have no desire to share nakedness (then or ever), then send a polite "no thank you" email.

Now that seems reasonable enough.

However, this is the problem: the lack of sufficient data points.

Attraction can compensate for a great deal. I find it TRAGIC when a guy can't spell or has no understanding of basic grammar or just generally gives "bad email." But if I LIKED him... then I'd just give him an English usage dictionary for Valentine's Day. We've all been there - mainsqueeze is so stupid he/she can't pour water out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel, but with a face/abs like that, who cares?

But attraction (distinct from attractiveness) cannot be communicated in a picture. I would argue that attraction cannot be fully assessed sitting across a table either. Don't we need to see the other person in motion? How do they talk to other people, can they hold their booze, what are their friends like, are they good at their jobs, are they passionate about their hobbies, what books do they read (and not just SAY they read), are they polite to waitstaff, do they have criminal records?

In short, we need the data points that are more readily available when sharing the same real-life community. Or, to quote Hannibal Lecter: "We begin by coveting what we see every day."

So what do I see every day? Apparently, given the demographic of my neighborhood, I will have to push a gay man back into the closet. Fortunately, I, like Bayne Gibby (mp3 a few posts down), look really good in men's pants.

On Stalking

I have sympathy, I do. I have recently demonstrated certain tendencies in that direction myself.


I told Gorgeous-Hunk-O'-Man (JF) about my stalkers. He replied that he would like one or two himself. I chalk that up to modesty on his part. I have no doubt his stalkers count in the dozens. But I told him if it would make him feel better, I could stalk him. Unfortunately, I don't have the necessary bits and pieces to make that an attractive proposition for him.

The interesting thing about my stalkers is that they rarely stalk me all at once. They appear to take turns. One takes a break, and just as I'm beginning to feel a bit neglected, another steps in, he takes a break, and so on.

Do they communicate? Do they have some sort of schedule negotiated?

Stalker 1: "I've emailed her 15 times a day for the last 3 weeks. Going on vacation tomorrow, Your turn."
Stalker 2: "Ok man, no problem."

I mean really. And it's so foolish. Everyone knows, if you want to make yourself irresistible to a woman - IGNORE her.

Well, I'm going to bed. But first, I'm drawing the curtains closed, turning off my phone, and changing my email.