More On Stalking

Tip 1: if you are being stalked, ALWAYS keep the stalker's phone number programmed into your phone - that way, you know when not to pick up and you can tell all your friends, "Oh good lord, so-and-so called me again. Didn't pick up 'cause I knew it was him." Also applies to ex's.

Tip 2: if you are doing the stalking, STILL keep the stalkee's number in your phone, because as these things go, the tables often turn.

The first tip is simple enough and is pure common sense. The second tip is a bit more problematic. After a matinee showing of Xanadu and an evening of drinking sour apple martinis and eating gourmet mac n' cheese, a great many things seem like good ideas.

We all know the "morning after a drunken night" routine: check your phone's outgoing texts and calls, check your email sent items folder, check yourself for any UDIs (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), check your shower for any strangers in it.

I was talking to SK about this earlier today - purely hypothetically, of course. And I was reminded of a completely brilliant feature offered by certain mobile network operators in China. For a small fee, you can block certain numbers during a specified block of time. And I don't mean blocking the numbers so that the callers can't reach you. I mean blocking the numbers so you can't dial them yourself.

So let's say you are off to an evening out with the girls. Before throwing back that first cocktail, you can program your phone so that you cannot make outgoing calls to a certain someone, say, between the hours of 11PM and 8AM.

BRILLIANT.

Another Bayne Gibby classic, "Drunk Dialin":

On Stalking

I have sympathy, I do. I have recently demonstrated certain tendencies in that direction myself.


I told Gorgeous-Hunk-O'-Man (JF) about my stalkers. He replied that he would like one or two himself. I chalk that up to modesty on his part. I have no doubt his stalkers count in the dozens. But I told him if it would make him feel better, I could stalk him. Unfortunately, I don't have the necessary bits and pieces to make that an attractive proposition for him.

The interesting thing about my stalkers is that they rarely stalk me all at once. They appear to take turns. One takes a break, and just as I'm beginning to feel a bit neglected, another steps in, he takes a break, and so on.

Do they communicate? Do they have some sort of schedule negotiated?

Stalker 1: "I've emailed her 15 times a day for the last 3 weeks. Going on vacation tomorrow, Your turn."
Stalker 2: "Ok man, no problem."

I mean really. And it's so foolish. Everyone knows, if you want to make yourself irresistible to a woman - IGNORE her.

Well, I'm going to bed. But first, I'm drawing the curtains closed, turning off my phone, and changing my email.