Forgiveness

"To forgive is divine."

So they say.

But how does one do it?

Does it require an apology first? The apology makes things easier, certainly. But it's not just that apology makes it "easier" to forgive: the apology, sincerely given, demonstrates an ability to exercise empathy, an ability to feel remorse, a capacity for self-examination, and also a not-insignificant level of bravery because, after all, forgiveness isn't always guaranteed.

But at a minimum, an apology demonstrates that the person offering it sees at least certain things the same way you do. For example, the person who loses their temper and over-reacts.... without an apology, can you be sure that they actually realize that perhaps they crossed a line? They may not; they might actually believe they were justified because, hell, they were angry!

And what does that mean, if you draw it out to its logical conclusion? It pretty much ensures that the "mistake" will be repeated. We all do things regularly that we know we "shouldn't", and some of us end up apologizing again and again. So the apology is certainly not the end-all-and-be-all. But without even the recognition that something was "wrong" in the first place... Isn't that a GUARANTEE that it will be repeated? And repeatedly?

The apology might be yet another tool, not that dissimilar from gossip, to establish and confirm certain social norms. As a society, we gossip about the latest socialite who shoplifts or racks up DUIs because in today's scattered world, these are the people we all have in common, and in our bitchy commentary about her, we're drawing or reaffirming the lines between what is socially acceptable, and what it not.

I think apology does the same thing of drawing that line and affirming the placement of that line. This is acceptable, this is not.

But unlike gossip (unless YOU happen to be the socialite in question), apology is highly personal, and therefore more risky and difficult. It's something very few of us do well. We offer lame apologies that only aggravate the situation: "sorry if you were bothered by that" or "sorry but what you did to me was worse" or "sorry but I was actually justified." And some of us, even when truly sorry, find it impossible to ever say the words at all.

Actually, I wonder about that last bit. IS that true? Can a person feel remorse yet find it impossible to articulate it? I feel that it must be possible. But given the general lack of telepathy, how do we know if the silence hides an unspoken remorse (and affirmation of certain shared norms) or reveals a lack of it? And just taking it on faith that remorse and acknowledgment of a mistake does exist, seems foolish. Because there are people (I'd like to think, a minority) who do define "right" and "wrong" based on their own feelings and convenience and therefore, rarely, if ever, acknowledge their own mistakes. I should know, I've dated many of them.

Here's another cliche: "Actions speak louder than words." True enough. It's a cliched saying for a reason. Ultimately, modified actions and behavior say MUCH more than apologies, especially if the apologies just need to be repeated time and time again because the same mistakes are repeated time and time again. But ideally, it's both, right?

But this post isn't about apologies, it's about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is easier to give in the abstract, at a distance. For example, do I "forgive" the sociopathic alcoholic stalker? Sure. I don't much think of him, but I don't wish him ill, I no longer carry any anger or annoyance towards him, I hope he gets his life together one day. I forgive him. But again, that's an easy thing to say after so much time and distance. It's easier to say AT a distance. Do I forgive him enough to want to be his friend? Hell no. Thankfully, other than the random email a few times a year that I ignore, he leaves me alone, and I can abstractly say that I forgive.

There are different degrees of forgiveness. It's the forgiveness that is up-close and personal that I am talking about here.

I suppose it's decision we all have to make for ourselves, on a case by case basis. We take our "emotional temperatures" and decide what we want, or can do. And no matter what we find, not beat ourselves up for it.