Being Known

I feel like I've had many similar conversations of late - all revolving around whether someone who thinks he knows me actually does, or if I even want to be known and understood, or why I seem to put up such filters and barriers to prevent that from happening.

One of those conversations was with FT who accused me of being a romantic. I took offense and asked, "Why would you say that about me?!?"

His reply was: "Have you READ your blog?"

Smart ass.

I recounted that conversation to SK who agreed with FT, but she did say that any romantic leanings I might demonstrate are quirky and atypical.

That made me feel better. But if I am honest with myself, I think Gorgeous Hunk O'Man (JF) has it right. He and I are as soft and mushy and typical as anyone else. We just REALLY dislike exposing our soft underbellies and go to ridiculous lengths to avoid doing so.

Last night, JF and I mocked each other mercilessly to great mutual entertainment before we pointed out that this basically precludes any and all meaningful romantic relationships in our lives and that we'd most likely end up in a fake marriage to each other, taking turns hitting on the pool boy and raising cats. Unless we can get some insanely wealthy, sexually confused tycoon keep both of us in the style to which we would really like to be accustomed.

That cheered us up until I pointed out that such a man is bound to be wildly unattractive, old, and might even smell bad.

So then it came back to the fake marriage, pool boy, and cats...

Which plummeted us back into despair and on opposite coasts we opened up bottles of wine and proceeded to drink together while on the phone, toasting to our respective neuroses.

Halfway through our bottles of wine, JF did say to me, "Lover, you know, you could actually TRY to open up to men who aren't gay."

I believe I sighed deeply in response.

And then he tried again:

JF: "Baby, don't get me wrong. I love the fact that you are incapable of talking about your feelings. But then, I've known you forever and I am fairly certain you have them. So you don't have to volunteer information. How about just answering questions? Maybe "yes/no" questions? Multiple choice?"

me: "Oh good grief. I just tried that. I broke down so badly I ended up not even being able to answer whether or not I wanted to go get something to eat."

JF: "Let me guess. You either ran for the hills and demanded a divorce - oh wait, you've already done that - so I guess you went to plan B and got naked and threw your legs over your ears to avoid answering?"

Smart ass.

JF: "But did you end up getting something to eat?"

me: "er... yes."

JF: "Good for you. If he knew you at all, he'd realize that was as good as having his baby. And would probably run away screaming."

me: "Fuck you."

JF: "In your wildest dreams."

me: "I have better things to dream about, you homo."

JF: "I love you, too."